Last Updated on Sun Jun 20, 2021 by JR Rioux
It’s been a bit over a year since my father died. It’s difficult to describe how it affects your overall health when something shocking happens, especially when it’s something like a vital loss. We had a… complicated history, but we had long since made peace and resolved our issues, however, not everyone can get past their own mistakes. Regret is a powerful thing and as poisonous as hate to the individuals experiencing the feelings. When depression is involved, the situation can grow much more serious.
The shock caused my medication to cease working due to a brain chemistry shift, which left me completely out of balance. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to re-stabilize, and while my mind is bouncing around, it’s almost impossible to focus on anything for any significant length of time. My writing clearly suffered.
Fortunately, I have an amazing team of physicians, including an excellent psychiatrist. While my mind was doing its own thing, they were working hard with me to help me get re-situated and the added services that I needed, but didn’t realize I needed.
Physically, I’m in rough shape, but mentally I’m better, so I’m doing a lot more writing, which is great, as well as getting quite a few other things accomplished both on and off the internet.
I miss him terribly. The hardest part is that he was the last of my immediate family, since my mother and I have been distant since my childhood. We talk, but… she wasn’t there when I was growing up and that bond isn’t there the way it was with my dad.
I’ve thought a lot about all the things he sacrificed and gave, no matter how hard it was for him at times. I’m not sure I could have done half the job he did, in spite of all the issues. Someone said to me at the funeral that he was ‘a good man’. I could only answered that he tried. Every day, he tried to be a little bit better, a little bit wiser, a little bit more educated. He’d be the first to admit he wasn’t perfect, but what mattered is that he tried and he did well.
All that mattered is the last 20 years were the best for him and he isn’t suffering anymore. I can’t be angry or confused about his suicide. After all, I’ve been there myself. I get it. The only part that bothers me is knowing he was there, but he couldn’t or didn’t feel like he should bother someone else with his problems. The pain he must have been feeling isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. It eats away the joy in life all around you.
“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they don’t wish to see anyone else suffer the way they did.”Unknown
Remember that you can be someone’s hero – you can save a life. Just reach out and keep an open mind.
If you, or someone you know, are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. You can reach someone 24 hours a day.
Help is available!
Speak with someone today.